


Diary of an Unloved Man

by celestialusts



Category: NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Diary/Journal, Heartbreak, Jaemin is kind of an asshole here, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Post-Break Up, Renjun baby I love you, i love pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29515389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestialusts/pseuds/celestialusts
Summary: We were just twenty when we fell in love.And he was twenty-six when he fell out of love.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34





	Diary of an Unloved Man

**Author's Note:**

> the diary was written in renjun's pov and in between excerpts from the diary are flashbacks/events that happened throughout!
> 
> twitter: [ @celestialusts ](https://twitter.com/celestialusts) | curiouscat: [ @celestialusts ](http://curiouscat.me/celestialusts)

Dear diary,

I remember when we were still in love, when I wasn't the only one trying.

The forever we promised each other, became a temporary shelter for him, but a permanent yearning for me.

I remember the man who had given me so much to feel, but had left me hollow and empty.

The name I cannot love nor loathe, because an unloved man like me, can no longer feel.

His name was beautiful, like he was, his name was _Na Jaemin._

"You know, Jun," Jaemin had uttered softly as they both stared into a distance, relishing the calm ambience of a late evening where the sun was almost setting. It was beautiful, Jaemin thought. "As we grow older, do you think we will still be as in love as we are now?" Jaemin tilted his head aside to see Renjun already staring at him, giving him a simper so soft and sweet, just like how he had always loved.

Renjun gazed at his lover so tenderly, before he slowly looked away back to where he was earlier, ahead.

"No future is certain, Min," Renjun said, looking down onto his lap as he fiddled with his delicate fingers. "But what's certain is that I'd never give up before I get tired of trying."

His answer was followed by a long silence, a long, comfortable pause.

It was always home when they're together. Against all odds, they both found home in each other. It didn't matter to them if their conversation was hugged by utter silence, or when it was just Renjun talking about something that got him excited during the day, or when it just Jaemin blabbering about the boring classes he had. It didn't matter, as long as they had each other. That was all that mattered.

That was all that mattered for twenty-year-old Renjun and Jaemin.

Jaemin's hand quickly found its way to grasp Renjun's smaller in his, as he squeezed it so gently before their fingers move to naturally hook around each other, intertwining the two hands intimately.

"I love you, Huang Renjun," Jaemin had whispered in pure affection and love against the skin of the back of Renjun's hand which was brought close to his lips as it was kissed. _"Forever and always."_

Renjun fell into a pit of giggle, as he leaned his head onto Jaemin's shoulder. "I love you more, Na Jaemin."

True, no future is certain. But Renjun found it in himself to believe that forever and always for them, was possible.

And that, _that_ was his mistake.

It's funny, you know?

Because he was the one who had promised me forever and always.

And I was indeed, a fool for ever believing that it was possible. But a man in love, is a fool to promises.

I was a man in love, and foolish, I was.

The forever and always never came.

"I _need_ you," Renjun breathed as they both stared at each other, gazes filled with yearning and lust for one another. Renjun's hands are bunched up on Jaemin's black shirt tightly as he held onto him. He never planned to let go.

The room of their shared apartment was dark, the dim light from the bedside lamp illuminating the features of the two lovers so faintly. Jaemin had his legs caging Renjun's petite figure in between as he hovered over Renjun, his palms planted on their mattress. They had kissed, they had touched each other, they had marked their territories.

But they had never, have each other. Renjun was not ready. But that night, Renjun was more than in need of Jaemin. He _craved_ him.

Jaemin's eyes were hazy, clouded with the thoughts of Renjun alone. With their faces barely inches away from another, they could feel their hot breaths on each other's skin which were getting sweaty. It was clear that they, they _wanted_ each other. A small knowing smile had graced Jaemin's face as he nodded, inching closer to press his lips against Renjun's already parted, glossy pair. They were pretty, and they were all what Jaemin had loved feeling.

The kiss was short, and Jaemin pulled off. He saw the hesitancy and the excitement pooling in Renjun's eyes. _How could a pair of eyes look so close to the stars in the sky?_

"I'll be gentle with you, baby." Jaemin whispered gingerly. Renjun could only nod.

It wasn't the first for Jaemin, and the way he cautiously yet tenderly guided Renjun calmed the growing lump in Renjun's stomach. Jaemin was gentle, he was meticulous in aligning his every move so it wouldn't hurt Renjun and Renjun had begun to love the way Jaemin felt inside him. He thought, he could get used to it. 

That night, they shared a love so special, and a love only they understood and felt.

They had made love, and made promises that for years to come, it would never change. Jaemin told Renjun that.

And just like any other day, Renjun was easy to believe.

When did things change?

Honestly, I don't know for sure. Feelings are vague and fickle, they come and go as they please.

They make you feel, and they can also make you numb.

With Jaemin, it was something I had never imagined happening. He was a person full of feelings.

He had always kissed me mornings and nights, he had always had that beautiful, foolish smile as he looked at me, he had always held my hands under the table as we were having dinner, he had always made sure to sing me to sleep even if he hadn't have the perfect voice to sing. He had always made me _feel_.

And one day, they just... they just vanished.

I never knew how.

Renjun had waited a few rings until it stopped and the voice of his lover greeted him at the end of the line. "Min-ah!" Renjun sounded happy.

He heard a shuffling sound, and he figured that Jaemin was adjusting himself on his bed.

It was 12AM in New York, and 2PM in Seoul. Renjun thought it wasn't too late to call. "Hey." Jaemin had replied flatly, his voice low and groggy. It sent a tingle of excitement down Renjun's bones as he broke into a wide smile. He had missed Jaemin's voice so much. He thought he was even beginning to forget how he sounded like.

"Can you call me back later? I'm sleepy," He had said that out so easily, and Renjun felt his heart dropping. He had waited the whole week to finally talk with Jaemin as Jaemin had made it known to Renjun that he would be busy the whole week with conferences and seminars. Renjun understood. After all, Jaemin was in the middle of pursuing his doctorate degree in Economics. It wasn't easy and Renjun knew that.

It was just that... it was beginning to feel, heavy on his part.

"Jun?" Jaemin had called out. After not hearing a response from Renjun, he continued, sounding irritated. "Look, I have an important event tomorrow morning. Unless you have something very important to tell me, can we continue this another day?"

Renjun knew what it would do to both of them, the distance, the long hours, the timezones, the packed schedules. Renjun knew.

But he wanted to try, he wanted _them_ to try. When Jaemin finished his master's degree at twenty-four and had chosen to fly to New York for his doctorate degree, they knew it would take a toll on their relationship. They would be 14 hours apart and thousands of miles apart.

Swallowing the lump in his throat and biting back the pooling tears in his eyes, Renjun croaked out softly. "Y-Yeah? Ah, alright. I'll talk to you soon, Min."

He promised to be understanding.

"Yeah, I'm hanging up." Jaemin spoke, yawning right after.

Before Renjun could continue, the line went dead with a beep.

He smiled to himself, almost pathetically. "I love you, Min."

But Jaemin promised too, he promised to _try_.

When did I get tired of trying?

I didn't.

He did.

"What the _fuck_ did you say?" Jaemin was seething in anger, as he stared in disbelief on the scattered mess on his desk, filled with papers, jottings of things he had begun to lose comprehension in and the stacks of books. The little frame which held a picture of Jaemin and Renjun on their first anniversary long hidden and discarded behind the clutter. He grasped the phone in his hand tightly, almost turning his knuckles white.

Renjun had called Jaemin after almost a month of not talking to each other because Jaemin had claimed that he was busy and that he'd call. But days became weeks, and weeks were approaching a month, and the call never came. Renjun only wanted to hear his lover's voice. But when he was greeted with an annoyed 'What is it?' from the other man, Renjun's heart swelled in dejection.

"I'm just saying that you never had the time for me anymore! No, you never _made_ time for me anymore!" Renjun shouted over the phone in frustration. He began to finally cry, as he slumped down onto the cold floor of his bedroom, and his back found support against the bed as he leaned back with the back of his head hitting the mattress softly. "Why don't you try anymore, Min?"' He breathed out, his lips trembling.

Jaemin took off his glasses and roughly threw them on his desk as he turned away, gritting his teeth.

He had no idea where Renjun was coming from because they agreed to this, didn't they? So why was Renjun complaining? Why was Renjun whining about it?

"For God's sake, Jun. I can't believe that you can even accuse _me_ of not making any time for you? I'm juggling between my studies and attending conferences and seminars, on top of that, I have to listen to this utter bullshit from you. You _knew_ what this would do to us, didn't you? Then why complain? Why whine? If I have time to spare, I would spend it for you. But the thing is, I fucking don't!" Jaemin uttered bitterly, his voice rising at the very end.

Without even giving Renjun time to respond, Jaemin continued. "I'm working to build a future here, for both of us, because let's be real here, Jun. Your writing job would _never_ be able to offer us comfort. You sold a few books, then what? You go back to writing something with the uncertainty if it's going to do well or not. What for?"

That _hurt_. Renjun couldn't even believe that he was hearing those words, such pernicious words from a man who used to support him in everything he does. The man who was the reason why Renjun even started writing. The man who was _his_ muse.

"W-What?" Renjun stuttered in utter disbelief, clearly upset.

"You heard me." The voice on the other end of the line spat out. Jaemin didn't intend for their whole conversation to turn sour. But he was busy, he had papers to write, he had places to go, and he was just _tired._

It was bright daylight for Jaemin, but for Renjun, it was almost 3AM. He had made time for Jaemin, but just like the pitch-blackness the night had to offer, Renjun found no light in their conversation. He didn't want to continue talking, angry. "I-I know you didn't mean what you said, Min. I-I'll call you back—"

"Let's break up." Renjun's world went black and he could only remember crying.

Did it hurt?

It _tore_ me apart. I felt as if the world was spinning. I felt helpless.

For the longest time, Jaemin had became a pillar that held me whole.

And when the pillar had severed, together with it, is a heart, _shattered._

Waking up, Renjun felt his body pressed against the cold floor he had fallen asleep on.

He fluttered his eyes open, and the sunlight peeped through the blinds. The faint rays fell onto Renjun's pale, lethargic skin and gloomy features.

Renjun recalled the memories from the night before and he wished he hadn't done a lot of things. He wished he hadn't called Jaemin, he wished he hadn't brought up the matter of time, he wished... he wished Jaemin would tell him 'I love you' just one more time.

But the thing with wishes, is that they don't always come true.

A tear fell, followed by another, and another, until Renjun became a sobbing mess on the floor. He had his arm lifted up to cover his eyes, as his shoulders shook violently. He continued crying.

Was what he asked for too much? _Time_ , just a 10-minutes-talk, scratch that, even a 5-minutes-talk would be enough. Renjun never wanted to take up too much of Jaemin's time, but it seemed like, Jaemin never had the space for Renjun anyway.

Renjun had never complained when Jaemin had stood him up for a FaceTime date because he fell asleep, he had never complained when Jaemin forgot his birthday _and_ their anniversary, he had never complained when it was only Jaemin telling him about his day and how terrible it was without even asking about him. He was willing to push everything aside. All he asked for in return was a tiny fraction of Jaemin's time. To talk. To hear his voice. To _remember_.

He knew Jaemin was fading away. Their phone calls became less frequent, less vibrant, less talking. Jaemin who was always keen to know about Renjun's day and everything he does, no longer had the same beam when talking. Everything seemed forced. Renjun noticed. He wasn't stupid. He just preferred to play dumb to the fact that he was certainly losing Jaemin.

But Renjun guessed Jaemin's choice was clear, crystal clear.

And it wasn't _Renjun._

Even so, I want him to live a happy life.

Because I no longer can.

For the last time, before I go...

I love you, Na Jaemin.

Take care.

— _Huang Renjun, 13th August 2021_

* * *

"They said it's brain cancer," Chenle squeezes Jaemin's shoulder gently as Jaemin stares at the last page of Renjun's diary. He becomes rooted to his spot, as tears start streaming down his cheeks and falling onto the cream-coloured paper, staining the prettily written words with blotches. Jaemin's vision becomes blurry as he cries, gripping the diary tightly in his hand.

"He never told anybody. Not even me." Chenle adds.

Jaemin had received a call from Chenle a month after his breakup with Renjun. He had initially wanted to ignore the call, because he thought it was going to be a call where Chenle screams the fuck out at him for hurting Renjun, but when a frantic voice rang from the other side, "Jaemin, it's—it's _Renjun_ ," Jaemin took the first flight back home.

But Jaemin had arrived a little too late.

Both dressed in black, they stand in front of the funeral home in utter silence. Chenle could only give Jaemin a comforting hug, but peace is often sought within oneself and Jaemin could never, not after knowing what he had done to Renjun. His body grows weak as he leans his weight onto Chenle, before he fully engulfs the younger in a tight, desperate hug, seeking for warmth and redemption.

"I was selfish, Chenle," Jaemin mutters as he sobs against the fabric of Chenle's black coat. "All I ever thought of was, myself. I became too cooped up with my studies that I began to lose grasp in our relationship. I stopped trying a long time ago," Jaemin confesses. "But I never saw what was wrong with that. I thought him asking me for a call, just a _fucking_ call, Chenle, was too demanding. I hurt him countless of times, and our breakup, I— _fuck_ , I said so many hurtful things at him. I—"

"Jaemin," Chenle starts. "I'm not going to say it's fine because what you did to Renjun wasn't fine, _at all._ If I were to follow my heart, I'd give you a punch right here and tell you to fuck off. But Renjun," Chenle sighs as he slowly pulls off from the hug and bringing Jaemin's face upwards to meet his. "Renjun wouldn't want that."

Jaemin looks at Chenle, his face, crestfallen.

"I... I never got to say 'I love you' for the last time, Chenle." Jaemin croaks out, barely a whisper.

"We never got to say a lot of things, Jaemin. That's life for you, _for many of us._ "

**Author's Note:**

> it's a very short one but i hope you enjoyed it?
> 
> your kudos and comments are very much appreciated, tell me what you feel about it!


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